The Day the Service Died

(sung to "American Pie")

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside The day
the service
died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short Cause I saw your quarterly
report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay And half their users went
away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *

But while Steve Case was looking down The hackers pulled his e-mail
down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times" the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks Cause I'm reading
alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..." the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night CompuServe read their last
rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

Return
Washington Apple Pi IFAQ