Glossary of Computer Terms

640K barrier: the finish line in a mega-marathon

access time: foreplay

analog: what Ana tosses into the fire

assembly language: put tab A into slot B, then put tab C...

audit trail: what the IRS does

Bandwidth: limited by the size of the stage

Battery Backup: going in reverse in a golf cart

BBS: t-telling t-tall s-stories

benchmark: what happens when your saw hits the bench

broadband: an all female rock group

cache memory: remembering how much you spent

carrier detect: "I see the mail man!"

CASE: 24 bottles

Control Character: prison guard

conventional memory: remembering what you did at COMDEX

copy protection: wearing a rubber

copyright: vs. copy wrong

cursor: a garbage mouth

daisy chain: a dog's leash

DAT: the opposite of DIS

deadly embrace: making love to King Kong

delimiter: some who says, "Stop, that's enough"

density: how to measure IQs of blondes

dhrystones: the stones that were tossed out of the water

DIP switch: how my sister gets a new boy friend

dot pitch: "Dorothy winds ups, and delivers a knuckle ball"

EBCDIC: similar to herpes

EMS: happens just before PMS

end user: a prisoner's cell mate

escape sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut throw fence...

Ethernet: used to catch Ether

fixed disk: a broken disk that comes back from the shop

flash EPROM: what they have on 90210

flat bed scanner: a hooker looking for loose change

flat file: a file with all the air out of it

full duplex: a 2-family house with 16 occupants

groupware: clothes swapping

hacker: a heavy smoker

half-height drive: a midget's sexual capacity

hand scanner: singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings

heap: what I drive

high density diskette: a very stupid floppy

home computer: what you tell your computer when it follows you

hypertext: text on amphetamines

ink jet: a plan used for sky writing

integrated circuit: a circuit with black & white components

joystick: (requires little explanation)

local bus: stops at every intersection

lost chains: euphoria experienced by the recently divorced

low-level language: for basement programmers

high-level language: for penthouse programmers

machine dependency: an affliction of machine users

mag tape: tape used on the wheels of cars

mainframe: akin to "main squeeze"

main memory: remembering where the water line is

math coprocessor: the person you cheated from in math class

megaflop: the worst play you ever saw

minicomputer: the pier to Mickey's computer

modem: what the gardener did to the lawns

multi-sync: can be sunk more than once

native mode: head hunting

on-line: where the birds sit

overlay: chickens making too many eggs

pentium: the thing that swings back-and-forth on a clock

plotter: a deceitful person

postscript: grafitti on a pole

protected memory: remembering to wear a condom

record locking: what you do to your Beatle White Album

right justified: vs. wrongly justified

software piracy: stealing a ship's program

spreadsheet: a hooker's foreplay

streaming tape: party decorations

subroutine: not quite routine

surge protector: a condom

token ring: a group of people passing the bong

trackball: what sprinters and runners often get

twisted pair: tubes tied

word wrap: black music

worksheet: a prostitutes office

Ymodem: because, modem


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