If IBM made toasters...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Fisher Price made toasters...

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...

Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does DEC still make toasters?...

They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...

Their Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...

They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...

You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters...

They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...

They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...

They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.

If Xerox made toasters...

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If ParcPlace made toasters...

Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters...

They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters...

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Tandem made toasters...

You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Price Club made toasters...

They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

If Intel made toasters...

-- but I repeat myself. Best to use dual processors so it is done on both sides.
James Little

If Next made toasters...

They would be the most beautifully designed toasters in the world. Unfortunately, there would be no way to get the bread inside. Ultimately, Next would stop selling toasters and decide instead to make bread that could be used in other toasters.
Robert Klothe


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