Virus Alert

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars,
its programmer will take it back.

AMY FISHER VIRUS: It tries to destroy but only damages your monitor. Then it prints a message of its life story.

BORIS YELTSIN VIRUS: It reformats your drive and alters your PC's basic operating principles every ten minutes, making it completely inoperative. Meanwhile, an on screen message begs you to be patient and wait 90 days for results.

BOSNIA-HERTZEGOVINA VIRUS: Under the influence of this Eastern European virus, your PC's components continuously break down into tiny, squabbling factions.

CONGRESSIONAL Virus #3: Overdraws your disk space.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Forces your computer to play PGA TOUR from 10am to 4pm, six days a week.

DAVID DUKE VIRUS: Makes your screen go completely white.

DR. HANNIBAL LECTER VIRUS: It eats the heart out of your PC with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

E.T. VIRUS: Locks up your modem by phoning home

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up.

JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever you want it to, but it can never be reset or rebooted again. This virus only attacks Terminal Cases.

JERRY BROWN VIRUS: Blanks your screen and flashes an 800 number.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.

JURASSIC PARK VIRUS: Makes V20 computers more advanced than a 486 then duplicates the new computers.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS: It takes over your PC and oh so tastefully alters your color palettes to lovely muted pastels.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

MICHAEL JORDAN VIRUS: It slam dunks your PC 40 times every 60 minutes, never the same way twice.

NATIONAL ENQUIRER VIRUS: It incessantly scans your files for evidence that you are cross-dressing, have been abducted by aliens, or are secretly dating Princess Di.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

PINTO VIRUS: Sets your computer on fire.

THE RAMBO VIRUS: Protects your CPU, but attacks any systems it perceives as enemies.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: This virus creates serious problems in memory.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: When you boot, it displays a message saying that it is thinking of running. Then it scans the disk for competing operating systems, and if it finds any, shuts down immediately...

SPIKE LEE VIRUS: It makes your screen go totally black.

TEENAGE VIRUS: You can get your PC to do what you want, but only after an interminable argument that leaves you feeling horribly guilty.

TYPE-A VIRUS: It makes your hard drive hard driven.

VAMPIRE VIRUS: Your PC can operate only at night, and its performance really sucks.

WARREN COMMISSION VIRUS: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

WILLIARD SCOTT VIRUS: Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders verbose birthday wishes each time you request weather predictions.


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