"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath,
you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold
water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame
in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found
in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the
other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration,
and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the
cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than
it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look
like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the
borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the
bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst
insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been
taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines,
eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All
water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no
ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large
misconception."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth
through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized
German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead
cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by
sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone
bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope
lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the
nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body
until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up
and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub
her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he
has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until
the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a
condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill
it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the
cow."