Scientists Discover New Element: Administratium

IRVINE, CA - The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists here. The element, tenatively named administratium (Ad) has no protons or electrons, which means that it has atomic number 0 and falls outside the natural patterns exhibited by all other known elements. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "memos".

Because it has no protons or electrons, administratium is inert. Nonetheless, it can be detected chemically, in that it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to one of the discoverers, even a small amount of administratium made one reaction which normally lasts less than one second take more than four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. It does not actually decay; instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a vice neutron, assistants to the vice neutron, and certain assistants to the neutron exchange places. Some studies have indicated that its mass actually increases after each reorganization, although this has yet to be explained. Another phenomenon which has been observed (as expected from the mechanics of minute particles) is that the more one tries to pin down the positions of the vice neutrons within the structure of administratium, the more uncertain those positions become.


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