WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of
Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers,
with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five
Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty
Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May
Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any
Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The
Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain
Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four
Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That
This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This
Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in
the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are
Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is
Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.
However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above
and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small
"Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to
Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles
(Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in
Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity
Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical
Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be
These product warnings were created by Susan Hewitt and Edward
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