1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than
me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The
proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry
if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and
what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by
his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to
know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead
of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct
answer to this question is, "Yes." For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,
"Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by
"love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male
response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
"No, of course not" and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than
me?" The "she" in
the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so
hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you
just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you
are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your
untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would
perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza
truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest
question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife.
"What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely
upset," said the husband. "Why do you
ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the
wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the
husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said
the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband,
"I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking
vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied
the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly.
"And would you let her wear my old
clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted
to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace
them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to
do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping
to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my
golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the
husband. "She's left-handed."