The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that's how the game is played.

Simple Duties


You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car....................  +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to
    make it to the nearest gas station............................  -1
You have the oil changed and have her car washed..................  +5
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb....  +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck
    pulls away....................................................  -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.................  +1
You leave them under the bed......................................  -5
You go shopping ..................................................  +5
But return with YOUR favorite beer................................  -5
You put the toilet seat down .....................................   0
You leave the toilet seat up......................................  -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................   0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......  -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next 
    bathroom......................................................  -2
You make the bed..................................................  +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........   0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................  -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night.........................   0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.................   0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...............  +5
You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10
It's her father................................................... -10


Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.............................   0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
    a college drinking buddy......................................  -2
Named Tiffany.....................................................  -4
Tiffany is a model ...............................................  -6
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her 
    lovingly......................................................  +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "ol ball and chain" and
    pat her on the butt ..........................................  -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
    if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere
    near as attractive as you"....................................  +2
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's 
    attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's a lousy  
    kisser".......................................................  -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it.................................   0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle......  -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet....................................  +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit..............................  +7
You get rid of a dead rodent......................................  +8
You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12
You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together.......................................  +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance,
    then park the car.............................................  +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance,
    then drive to a sports bar....................................  -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...  +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..   0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.............  +3
Most of it chips and beer.......................................... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16
Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17
Or adding an addition to the house................................ +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket......  -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15
You visit her parents.............................................  +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation..............  +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........  -3
And the television is off.........................................  -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear.......  -6
And you didn't even go to college................................. -10
And it's not your underwear....................................... -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner........................................   0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..............  +1
Okay, it is a sports bar..........................................  -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................  -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
    is painted the colors of your favorite team................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......  +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and
    get up and sing...............................................  +4
And you stink.....................................................  +2
And you're not half bad...........................................  +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted
    out to much applause..........................................  -2
You give her a gift...............................................   0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance...............  +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......................  +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in a bad section of town................................. -35

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal.................................................  -5
And the pal is happily married....................................  -2
Or frighteningly single...........................................  -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
You have a few beers..............................................  -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200
Of a biker chick???...............................................-900

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work  
    friends.......................................................  +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home 
    late.......................................................... +10
You wait up....................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
    but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35

A Night At Home

You watch TV together.............................................   0
You rent a movie..................................................  +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE and SENSIBILITY...................  +3
It's SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout........... +5
It's SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep....................  -1
It's SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool........... -2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie...........................................  +2
You take her to a movie she likes.................................  +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)...  +6
You take her to a movie you like..................................  -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................  -7
Which features cyborgs having sex.................................  -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and 
    sheepdogs..................................................... -15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................  0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just because ................... +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
    baggy Hawaiian shirts........................................  -13

Grooming

You trim your nails...............................................  +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends.........................................  +2
You don't shave on the weekends...................................  -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................  -8

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical.................  -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120

Driving

You drive.........................................................  +1
You let her drive when she wants to...............................  +2
You lose the directions on a trip.................................  -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals
    up close and personal......................................... -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................  -5  
    (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
    what looks like a concerned expression........................   0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........  +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV
    or playing on your PC......................................... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10

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