Do It Yourself Country Western Song


I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________.
             (1)       (2)                          (3)

      1.                   2.                     3.
on the highway       in September          that purple dress
in Sheboygan         at McDonald's         that little hat
outside Fresno       ridin' shotgun        that burlap bra
at a truck stop      wrestlin' gators      those training pants
on probation         all hunched over      the stolen goods
in a jail cell       poppin' uppers        that plastic nose
in a nightmare       sort of pregnant      the Stassin pin
incognito            with some joggers     the neon sign
in the Stone Age     stoned on oatmeal     that creepy smile
in a treehouse       with Merv Griffin     the hearing aid
in a gay bar         dead all over         the boxer shorts


She was ______  _____,
         (4)     (5)

           4.                         5.
sobbin' at the toll booth       in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper             but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies     by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne          near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie    with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny          when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail  on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail           with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili              with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand       with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini            in her muu-muu


and I knew _______.  _______ I'd ______ forever;
             (6)       (7)        (8)

             6.                             7.                    8.
no guy would ever love her more       I promised her         stay with her
that she would be an easy score       I knew deep down       warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store  She asked me if        swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore     I told her shrink      change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared     punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore     My Pooh Bear said      live off her
it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain     have my rash
we really lost the last World War     The painters knew      stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor  A Klingon said         hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought     pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed  play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor     Her rabbi said         salivate


She said to me ____.  But who'd have thought she'd _____
               (9)                                 (10)

           9.                  10.
our love would never die     run off
there was no other guy       wind up
man wasn't meant to fly      boogie
that Nixon didn't lie        yodel
her basset hound was shy     sky dive
that Rolaids made her high   turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out
she loved my one blue eye    blast off
her brother's name was Hy    make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out
that birthdays made her cry  bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie    grovel

___________; _________ goodbye.
   (11)        (12)

       11.                                       12.
with my best friend    You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel            I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard         She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"     I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist       I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"      I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot           She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on     She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club     She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag          I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru          But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor         She sealed me in the vault and smirked

TWANG, TWANG, TWANG!


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lic Sunday, January 11, 1998