Psychiatric Voice Mail

This is the voice mail for Dr. John Doe. Please select from the following touch-tone menu.

If you have:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Please press 1, over and over and over and over and...

Multiple Personalities
Please press 2, then 5, then 8, then 3, then 7, then 6, then 2 again, then...

Mania
Press all numbers at the same time.

Depression
Don't bother pressing any numbers, probably nobody cares anyway.

Schizophrenia
A little voice will tell you what number you must press.

Need for Electroconvulsive Therapy
Please hang up and place the call again from the bath tub.

Paraphilic Disorder
Press your own button...in private.

Paranoia
We know who you are and what you want. Stay on line while we trace the call.


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Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
December 4, 1998 Lawrence I. Charters