How to Be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.


Rev. Max E. Cates, Jr.
cates@biochem.purdue.edu


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Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
December 4, 1998 Lawrence I. Charters