Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble
endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.


To all fans of "Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia",

In recent months the news story, "Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia", has been highly circulated around the internet without attribution to the original authors/creators. This story was originally written for and published in the ONION, a satirical news weekly based in Madison, WI. The unauthorized distribution of "Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia" preceded the launch of our new web-site which is located at http://www.theonion.com. This site is now the official home of "Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia" as well as other award winning news stories such as "Christ Returns to NBA" and "Point Counter-Point: Humidity". If you have downloaded and posted this story on a web-page, as a courtesy to the ONION (and to avoid a lengthy legal battle in which you would be crushed) please provide a link to the official ONION web-site and credit the story as having "originally appeared in the ONION, Number One In News".

Truly,
The Editors
the ONION, Number One In News
(http://www.theonion.com)


Return
Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
July 4, 1997 Lawrence I. Charters