You might be a redneck if...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. You've ever used lard in bed.
3. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
4. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
5. Fewer than half of your cars run.
6. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
7. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue Ellen to walk by.
8. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sport event.
9. The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
10. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
11. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
12. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
13. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
14. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
15. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
16. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
17. You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
19. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Bonehead?".
20. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

WARNING: IF TWO OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU, SEEK CIVILIZED HELP.


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Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
December 4, 1998 Lawrence I. Charters