Your Car Speaks!

The Statements Car Owners are Really Making

Acura Integra
I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend
I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX
I am impotent
Audi 90
I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue
I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado
I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville
I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro
I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette
I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette
I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino
I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba
I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z
I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart
I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona
I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa
I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont
(See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang
I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria
I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change
lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm
I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker
I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol
I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic
I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord
I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45
I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse
I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6
I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia
I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach
I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car
I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis
(See above)
Mercedes 500SL
I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL
I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata
I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB
I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante
I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX
I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass
I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel
I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon
I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM
I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo
I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944
I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow
I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2
(See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy
I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry
I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle
I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet
I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus
I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon
I am frightened of my wife
Washington Metro
I can't find where they towed my Corvair

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Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
December 4, 1998 Lawrence I. Charters