Improve Your Computer Vocabulary

Analog: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts

Backup: Opposite of go forward

Batch Processing: Making a lot of cookies at once

Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes

Bit: 12 1/2 cents

Branch: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude

1. Programmer's term for a feature
2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it incorrect.
Note: the activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space

Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors

Computer Club: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages

Coding: An addictive drug

Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter

Compiler: Noah Webster (1758-1843)

Console: What one does to a "down" computer

Cursor: An expert in 4-letter words

Dump: A system programmer's work area

Feature: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative

Hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked

Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into a system

Language: A system of organizing and defining error messages

Loop: See loop

Machine-independent Program: A program which will not run on any machine

Microcomputer: One millionth of a computer

Null String: The result of a 4-hour database search

On-line: The idea that a human should always be accessible

Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working about a month ago

Printer: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)

Quality Control: Ensuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization

User: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation

8-bit machine: A computer selling for $1.00 (see bit)

16-bit machine: A computer selling for $2.00 (see bit)

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