Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft
Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events
surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry
giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as
"the most advanced
operating system ever produced.
" But even he could not
have predicted yesterday's events.
It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui, spokesperson
for the Serbs,
"Now that [Windows 95] has been released,
we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing
Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear weapons.
"We used to think that our national boundaries were of
utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing
" said Jacques Fenetre of the French
"The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all
of that. It's such a small planet!
On the other side of the
", George Bush and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face
for the first time. After a tense greeting, they started sharing notes
about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong
enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display
of candor, Hussein said
"If I hadn't been so frustrated
with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much
" Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein,
"Well, Saddam, I *told* you it'd be released
eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey! Let's play some
Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico City.
On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reports
that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts.
"I sat down
in front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my
face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!
Even more amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was
reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer. His
doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the
local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission.
When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Microsoft's
Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States,
"If you think *this* is good, just wait until you
see Windows 97!
Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his
"as many copies of Windows 95 as he can
" are unconfirmed at this time.
This article is Copyright (c) 1995 Rob Freundlich. It may be freely distributed as long as no alterations other than the inclusion of this copyright message are made. This copyright message *must* be included.