Calories That Don't Count

We have found on good authority that the following foods and situations have no calories to speak of. You can eat all you want with a clear conscience!

1. Food On Foot - All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs, and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has a calorie deficit.

2. TV Food - Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food, but all recollections of having eaten it.

3. Uneven Edges - Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.

4. Balanced Food - If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

5. Left-Handed Food - If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food On Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. It's not quite known how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.

6. Food For Medicinal Purposes - Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

7. Whipped Cream, Sour Cream, Butter - These all act as a poultice that actually "draws out" the calories when placed on any food, leaving them calorie-free. Afterwards, you can eat the poultice, too, as all calories are neutralized by it.

8. Food On Toothpicks - Sausage, cocktail franks, cheese, and crackers are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.

9. Children's Food - Anything produced, purchased, or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby food custard, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including cookies baked to send to college.

10. Charitable Foods - Girl Scout cookies, bake-sale cakes, ice cream socials, and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories.

11. Custom-Made Food - Anything somebody makes "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories, because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded.

Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
lic Monday, May 12, 1997