And now, another addition of How to be Manly...Today: Lesson 2039.
Well, it's Friday night and once again, that can mean only one thing - a visit to your favorite drinking establishment to try and find a woman in search of manly gratification.
Three hours after you have arrived, you are howling drunk and are still alone, when through the haze of the twelve drinks that you have consumed, you notice a young lady trying to make conversation with you. However something is amiss here, at first you thought that perhaps this young lady was wearing some sort of mask as a joke, but upon closer examination, you discover that she has simply one of the largest noses that you have seen on any human being. "Good Heavens!" you say to yourself. "I'll bet she never has to use her hands to open a door!" You decide you want to thwart her advances, but how can this be accomplished in a manly manner?
Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 2673 and repeat after me:
1. "Jumpin' Jehosaphat! Are you a coke dealer's dream or what?"
2. "Would you mind standing on the roof? I'd like to see which way the wind is blowing."
3. "Say toots, is that your nose, or is your face doing a Johnny Wadd impression?"
Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you suddenly appear to be her twin brother when a beer bottle is shoved up each of your nostrils, you can be rest assured that she will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are.
Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day."
And now another addition of How to be Manly...Today: Lesson 4567.
Hot diggedy and Shazam! It's Saturday afternoon and that can mean only one thing, it's time to go to your local airport for your weekly flying lesson. That's right. For the last three months, you've been taking flying lessons making you one of the absolute manliest of manly men on your block. You not only truly enjoy the craft of flying, but you also enjoy the manly friendship you have developed with Scott, your flight instructor. Yes indeed, you two have hours of fun telling airplane stories and exchanging jokes about the sex lives of farm animals. However as you arrive at your flight school, you are informed that Scott is ill today and you will be instructed by a substitute instructor. "Oh well," you say to yourself, "at least I still get to fly." So you bound out to your waiting airplane only to be frozen in your tracks when you discover that your flight instructor is no less than a tall, slender, brunnette flying goddess.
Your chin is scraping along the runway as you approach her. You decide that this aviatress would appreciate a dose of your manliness, but how can this be accomplished in a manly manner?
Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 4556 and repeat after me:
1. "Uh, oh! UH, OH! I think I feel my landing gear extending!"
2. "Say, yummy-britches. How about you sit on my lap and I'll fly through some turbulence?"
3. "Let's play Amelia Aerhart. You be Amelia and I'll watch you go *down*."
Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and two seconds later, when you find it very difficult to fly an airplane, after your hands have been shoved into a rotating propellor blade, you can rest assured that the young flight instuctor will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are.
Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly and, Good Day!"
And now, another addition of How to be Manly...Today: Lesson 2864.
Well, hot diggedy, it's Sunday afternoon. One of your favorite days of the week where you do nothing but sit around all day drinking copious amount of beer and passing wind as you watch your favorite sport on TV. However, this week, your wife has different ideas. She insists that you accompany her to the local colloseum to attend a (dare I say it) *dog* show. Normally this would be a most manly activity if this was a show featuring dogs retrieving innocent ducks that have been blown out of the sky or perhaps a cat chasing contest.
But No! This show has such things as little tooty-fruity French poodles with little pink ribbons in their hair and small Pomeraneans that look like exploded fur-balls. Since you are married, you naturally have no say-so whatsoever as to whether you attend the show or not. So, once you have arrived, you need to show your displeasure. But how can this be accomplished in a manly manner?
Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 2456 and repeat after me:
1. "Mmmm...Mmmmmm, honey. This place smells just like your home cookin'."
2. "Gee, too bad your mother didn't come with us, she could have taken first prize."
3. "Golly! I haven't seen this many bitches in one place since all of your sisters came to visit!"
Use any of the above phrases in just a situation and for the next month as you notice that not only does her cooking smell like a dog show, it mysteriously tastes like one too. You can rest assured that your wife will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are.
Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day!"
And now another addition of How to be Manly...Today: Lesson 4836
Well, it appears that your Saturday afternoon watching pro-wrestling has been ruined. This morning, when you woke up, at 1pm, your wife informed you that your refrigerator has broken down yet again. "That does it!" you say. It's alright to have the wife go out and get takeout meals to bring home for dinner, but what's unbearable is the fact that now you won't have any cold beer to drink while you watch your favorite shows on TV. So it's off to the appliance store to buy a new fridge. You cautiously check to make sure that no one sees you entering the appliance store, for purchasing a new ice box straddles the fine line between manly and unmanly activities. However, when you discover that your salesperson is a most highly attractive, buxom, young woman, you decide that you will be able to assert your manliness after all. But how can this be accomplished in a manly manner?
Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 4521 and repeat after me:
1. "Say toots, how'd you like to show me where I can store my sausage?"
2. "My wife told me I could get a new box, and she told me to get a new refrigerator while I was at it."
3. "Hey Hey Hey! I'd sure like to pop a cucumber in your crisper." Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and as the female salesperson demonstrates just how well their deluxe deep freeze will hold your entire body, you can rest assured that she will have no doubts as to what kind of many you really are.
Until next time this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day!"