If Men Were In Charge of Weddings

(or "the reason they're not...")

There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love" and more "Louie, Louie" and "Mony Mony."

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask...."Well, what do you think Dear? The Burgundy or the Wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel and be form fitted to her butt.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of BBQ.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist the garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.

The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
lic Wednesday, November 5, 1997