Women Correct Webster

In 1831, Mr. Webster published the first dictionary of the English language. Unfortunately, he omitted several definitions - mostly those related to the daily lives of women. The following definitions, written from the viewpoint of Mrs. Webster, are to help correct that oversight.

Airhead (er-hed) n
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar-bi-q) n
You bought groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made dinner."

Baseball Bat (bas-bol bat) n
An anti-burglar device.

Children (chil-dren) n
What men become when they get the flu.

Computer (kom-pew-ter) n
The one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to.

Dog (dawg) n
A creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet.

Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n
The last two minutes of a football game.

Four Food Groups (for food groops) n
Chocolate, wine coolers, potato chips and ice cream.

Grocery List (grow-ser-ee list) n
What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. (Ya mean other people do that too???)

Home (hom) n
A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people.

Idunno (i-dun-no)
The person who broke your favorite vase.

Jeans (jeenz) n
Blue: Casual wear
Black: Formal wear

Kiss (kis) n
A small token of affection, usually chocolate.

Lipstick (lip-stick) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Men's Sale (minz sal) n
It's OK to get one on sale, just make sure the store has a good return policy.

New Age (noo aj) n
The age a woman gives instead of her real age.

Opinion (o-pin-yen) n
Advice you get whether you ask for it or not.

Park (park) v, n
Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing and slide.

Pizza (peet-za) n
An excellent cold breakfast food.

Screwdriver (skrew-dri-ver) n
A hardware tool designed to be turned around and used as a hammer.

Significant Other (sig-nif-i-kant uth-er) n
A husband, fiance, live-in boyfriend, or someone you've introduced to your parents.

Stretch Marks (strech marcs) n
Badges of honor.

Teddy Bear (ted-ee bare) n
A companion who gives you a hug whenever you want, never snores, doesn't bother you when you're talking on the phone and doesn't eat the last chocolate chip cookie.

Valentine's Day (val-en-tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Weight Lfting (wate lif-ting) n
What every woman does when she carries her baby, purse and two bags of groceries.

Yippee (yip-ee) interj
What a woman thinks when a man says he'll call--then does.

Zillion (zil-yen) n
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
lic Saturday, November 8, 1997