The Top 15 Problems Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route

15) Forward progress hampered by slow moving white Bronco.

14) Torch commandeered in Waco by overzealous ATF agents.

13) One *really* pissed off Smokey the Bear.

12) Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by less-than-dependable Bic lighter.

11) Difficulty getting melted marshmallows off torch after "s'mores" party got out of hand.

10) Running 7 miles before realizing the torch is still on top of the urinal at the last rest stop.

9) First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to "receive the baton."

8) Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with a case of Bud and a supersoaker.

7) Rosie Ruiz takes flame in NYC -- appears 30 minutes later in Atlanta.

6) Drive-by goosings.

5) Torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the "Chariots of Fire" theme.

4) Torch-jackings in urban areas.

3) Crazed hippie terrorists replace Olympic Torch with new Olympic Bong.

2) Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop for directions.

1) Obnoxious drunks who run up and yell, "No, I meant a BUD light!"

Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
lic Sunday, February 8, 1998