A Post-Cold War Marxist/Maoist Analysis of Decadent Breakfast Cereals

1. Cap'n Crunch

Reason why this cereal is decadent:
A) Colonialist exploiter pursues naive Crunchberry culture to plunder
B) Drunkenness, torture and debauchery implicit in ocean leisure cruises.

2. Sugar Frosted Flakes

Reason why this cereal is decadent:
Silky throated military-industrial-complex spokestoad "Tony the Tiger" exploits the need of the undereducated underclass for a paternalistic, Reagan-like figure. A cautionary tale of the perils of not indoctrinating at the creche level.

3. Trix

Reason why this cereal is decadent:
Well meaning rabbit--Trix--kept in continual state of malnutrition/subservience by dominant children of the parasitic bourgeoisie. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" can only be construed as a call to all-out class warfare.

4. Lucky Charms

Reason why this cereal is decadent:
Man with no known adult friends lures children into the forest for purposes of nutritional (ideological?sexual?) seduction. Sprightly twinkle motif on packaging (putatively and allusion to "flavor") are, in fact, metaphors for soul-deadening sucrose.

5. Rice Krispies

Reason why this cereal is decadent:
Snap, Krackle and Pop are thinly veiled emblems for the Trilateral Commission.

6. Cocoa Puffs

Reason why this cereal is decadent:
"I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs," the demented cackle of Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird/spokesmuppet, is resonant with the insanity inherent in the needless enslavement of the proletariat.

7. Count Chocula-Frankenberry:

Reason why this cereal is NOT decadent:
Gay relationship offers an excellent role model for this new era of diversity. Witty vampire motif plays on the never-ending struggle of the oppressed to topple the ruling classes.

[written by Douglas Coupland]

Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
December 4, 1998 Lawrence I. Charters