Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.
. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.
. . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
. . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
. . . your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
. . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
. . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
. . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
. . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
. . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
. . . you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny
. . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
. . . you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads:
. . . your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test
. . . you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers
. . . when someone accuses you of faking humor
. . . your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me."
. . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
. . . you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

Washington Apple Pi IFAQ
December 4, 1998 Lawrence I. Charters